Dear Kayden..

Day two hundred thirty six.

Merry Christmas my baby.
How was it? I hope you got our presents. Lip-lops and finer polish! I know it's your favorite.
Did you cover your face in it like you use to? I hope you still have all the gifts you got so we can play with them when you come home! Did they tell you the real meaning of Christmas Sweet girl? How Jesus was born just for you? I hope they did.
I can't explain to you how hard it was today. The ache in my chest when I woje up and realized what day it was. But I know you enjoyed it. Even without us. And I'm so greatful for that.
I know your're asleep right now. And I hope you have beautiful dreams. Dreams of Flutter byes!
Do you still call it that? I hope you hear me wispering in your ear, "Butter can't fly silly girl! It's Flutter bye!"
The year's almost over, angle, and you weren't here to spend it with us. I have a new friend I want you to meet! Her name is Lydia and she's soo sweet! You'll really love her.
I also have a new dance I want to teach you! Guess what.. You get to come to ballet with me now! It's a class just for big girls like you! You want to?!
Oh Kayden, I hope you don't see the fight that's going on for you. Even now I can hear people crying. But you're SO worth it! I'd do it 1,000 times over if it means you'll get to be happy with us again. Only if it's what you want. I don't know what I would do if you wanted to stay there, but I'd do it if I knew it's what you really wanted.
Kayden I hope you love me still. Remember me okay? Remember the way I loved you..
Merry Christmas.

Dear Kayden...

I miss you baby girl.. I hope you know that.
I wish there was some way to tell you how much I love you.. I don't know if you still love me or not. In so many ways I hope you do. But I also hope you've forgotten. Maybe then I can take comfort knowing you've moved on and you're happy with your new mommy, daddy and big brother.
I hope you don't miss me like I miss you. I hope every second of every day isn't as agonizing for you as it is for me. I hope you're happy. Truly I do..
Are they good to you Kayden Grace? Did they let you put the angle on the christmas tree?
We're not putting up a Christmas tree this year, so I hope yours looks beautiful. I know it does if you helped with it.
Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed =) I'm just keeping it warm and ready for you when you come home to it.
I miss our bed time talkes. I miss pretending to be Sam while you're finger is Julie.
And I miss waking up every morning by you telling me "the sun's up!"
I haven't forgotten you little angle. And no matter what happens, I never will. You'll always be my little girl. No one can ever change that.
I know I can't hug and kiss you right now, but take comfort in knowing that God is with you. Remember that he loves you and will never leave you, even when everyone else does.
Merry Christmas baby girl. I love you more than you will ever know.

Love- Hannah Cake